We are overjoyed once again to have been granted permission to publish Old Key’s Almanacke, a series of unerringly accurate predictions for the coming twelvemonth…
January : Eric Pickles stages a coup and becomes the first Supreme Overlord of the British Isles.
February : Yoko Ono celebrates her eightieth birthday by ushering in an era of world peace and avant garde nitwittery.
March : Very windy.
April : Latest attempt to discover what “diverse ‘n’ vibrant” actually means ends in failure.
May : Boffins unveil previously unknown anagram of Will Self.
June : Tennis player records loudest ever grunt.
July : Blindfolded tot pins strand of wool to cack-handed drawing of donkey.
August : Scandinavian police officer wins claim for discrimination after failing to appear in fictional form on television.
September : Bearded imam delivers intemperate rant.
October : Rats and monkeys crowd the city as it crumbles into ruin.
November : On its fiftieth anniversary, the assassination of JFK is officially rebranded as Grassy Knollgate.
December : In his Christmas message to an agog nation, Pickles hands supreme power to Alain de Botton.