We are overjoyed once again to have been granted permission to publish Old Key’s Almanacke, a series of unerringly accurate predictions for the coming twelvemonth…

January : Eric Pickles stages a coup and becomes the first Supreme Overlord of the British Isles.

February : Yoko Ono celebrates her eightieth birthday by ushering in an era of world peace and avant garde nitwittery.

March : Very windy.

April : Latest attempt to discover what “diverse ‘n’ vibrant” actually means ends in failure.

May : Boffins unveil previously unknown anagram of Will Self.

June : Tennis player records loudest ever grunt.

July : Blindfolded tot pins strand of wool to cack-handed drawing of donkey.

August : Scandinavian police officer wins claim for discrimination after failing to appear in fictional form on television.

September : Bearded imam delivers intemperate rant.

October : Rats and monkeys crowd the city as it crumbles into ruin.

November : On its fiftieth anniversary, the assassination of JFK is officially rebranded as Grassy Knollgate.

December : In his Christmas message to an agog nation, Pickles hands supreme power to Alain de Botton.

  1. Worm on Friday 28, 2012

    I for one will welcome our Alain de Botton overlords

    • Gaw on Friday 28, 2012

      Any such ‘handover’ would be a sham – isn’t it obvious that Pickles is de Botton in a fat suit? Then there’s the fact you never see them together. Not to mention their both speaking with the same strong Yorkshire accent.

  2. ian russell on Friday 28, 2012

    I’m looking forward to the donkey pinning singularity.

  3. BenSix on Friday 28, 2012

    Boffins unveil previously unknown anagram of Will Self.

    I went to hear Mr. Self read from a novel years ago and a woman in the audience claimed that his parents must have named his thusly because it was “self will” backwards. He assured her that they didn’t but she was quite insistent and kept telling him of his own parents’ intentions for the next five minutes.

    Much as I liked The Butt it was far more grotesquely comic than the actual novel.