Gunner Pitkin

What happened to Gunner Pitkin behind enemy lines?... Gunner Pitkin found himself stranded behind enemy lines. He hid in a barn. There was a cow in the barn. It was an enemy cow. Back in the field tent, Gunner Pitkin had had dinned into his head, by the captain, where his duty lay. It was an ... Read More...

Galahad the Pismire and Me

A touching story of boy and animal - a bit like Kes, but with ants... In the long ago, I was a quiet and well-behaved child, and I rarely got into trouble. There was one occasion, however, when I caused something of a hoo-hah at my primary school. I did not ... Read More...

Leper Messiah

Last week, Frank posted a birthday homage to David Bowie. This week, alas, a second homage has become necessary. This one includes several references to another titanic figure of modern music. Stay well, John Lydon, stay well. There is a fictional character named, somewhat foolishly, “Ziggy Stardust”, the creation of a ... Read More...

Bewlay the Landgrave

To mark David Bowie's 69th birthday, a tale of gravy... Over forty years ago, David Bowie demanded “Lay me place and bake me pie!”, not unreasonably in the circumstances, as he added, “I’m starving for me gravy!” We have all, I think, been there, as they say nowadays. I have certainly ... Read More...

A Horse With No Name

A true story, from the desert... I was riding through the desert on a horse with no name. This was asking for trouble, and sure enough, after passing plants and birds and rocks and things and sand and hills and rings we arrived at a Horse Registration Station. A cowpoke in ... Read More...

The Petula Clark Minefield

The Petula Clark trilogy concludes in thrilling fashion... Just as Jason Bourne has an identity, a supremacy, and an ultimatum, so Petula Clark has files, a project – and a minefield. The Petula Clark minefield was the happy outcome of my determination, with the Petula Clark project, to put to good ... Read More...

The Petula Clark Project

Our hero comes under questioning for his Petula Clark files. Fortunately he has a plan, of sorts... For more years than I could count, my Petula Clark files had lain undisturbed in a remote secure storage facility guarded by wolves. It would be a platitude to say that the files were ... Read More...

The Petula Clark Files

'It is fifty years since I began my collection of Petula Clark clippings'... I keep my Petula Clark files in a remote secure storage facility. The perimeter fence is electrified, and patrolled by wolves. The wolves are not electrified, but I am working on it, in partnership with the animal behaviourist ... Read More...

Maud: The Season Finale

A special extended episode brings the current season of Maud to a thrilling conclusion... Herewith my report of the events of the 14th inst. If I am required at a future date to give similar accounts of the 14th ult. and the 14th prox. I will be happy to oblige, present ... Read More...