Key’s Cupboard : Corrections And Clarifications

Key's Cupboard

A number of errors and infelicities crept in to our summary last week of prognostications from Old Key’s Almanacke for 2011. This was due to some interference in the mystic communiqué channels, probably the wrong sort of ectoplasm on the line. An inaccurate almanacke is a worthless thing, so it is imperative that we set the record straight without further ado.

February : The new anagram discovered by boffins is not, as we said, of Pol Pot, but of U Thant, Secretary-General of the United Nations from 1961 to 1971 (yes, that UN.)

April : We did not indicate the location of the docks where noisome ooze and bilgewater will ooze and bebilge. The reader is referred to A Comprehensive Gazetteer Of Docks, Harbours, Quaysides, Inlets & Coves, Together With Startlingly Accurate Notes On The Incidence Of Ooze And Bilgewater. Deep study of this important volume will yield the answer.

May : We ought to have pointed out that rejoicing at the cracking of the De Botton Conundrum will be particularly raucous and unbridled in Switzerland, homeland of the great sage.

July : Vince Cable will actually be standing windswept upon each of London’s bridges in turn, from east to west, during the month. This is part of a government initiative, the ramifications of which will become apparent.

August : Ozymandias has asked us to point out that his proper title is “Ozymandias, King of Kings”. Well, I say he “asked”, but it would be better to say he demanded, in a deafening roar, so loud that birds dropped dead from the blue immensity of the sky, and small woodland creatures keeled over from heart attacks. One crosses Ozymandias at one’s peril. He has such a temper, that king of kings, he’s a proper caution.

October : A misprint. For “farm” read “Fram”. Any old seer can foretell that eggs will hatch on a farm. Old Key is telling us that the hatching will take place on the Fram, the polar expedition ship commanded by Nansen and Amundsen, among others. The Fram is preserved in the Fram Museum in Oslo, though quite why it is to become a coop for hens is an ineffable mystery. That’s the thing about seers and soothsayers like Old Key. Their witterings often make no sense whatsoever, until after the event.

November : While we are on the subject of senseless wittering, hundreds – nay, thousands – of letters have poured in from readers eager for more details of the iFry. Julian Assange has helpfully leaked top secret information from the iFry development team, so we now know that this easily disposable handheld device will come pre-loaded with over a million “tweets”, on every subject under the sun. We have also learned that not only can it be placed in wastepaper baskets, but also crushed under your boot, tossed into the sea, or smashed to smithereens with a hammer.

December : Jesus Christ has asked us to point out that he, not Ozymandias, is King of Kings, as he is also Lord of Hosts, the Almighty, and many another title besides. He also asks us to make clear that the authenticated image of Ozymandias has never appeared on a slice of toast nor indeed on any other food item suitable for snacks.

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About Author Profile: Frank Key

Frank Key is a London-based writer, blogger and broadcaster best known for his Hooting Yard blog, short-story collections and his long-running radio series Hooting Yard on the Air, which has been broadcast weekly on Resonance FM since April 2004. By Aerostat to Hooting Yard - A Frank Key Reader, an ideal introduction to his fiction, is published for Kindle by Dabbler Editions. Mr Key's Shorter Potted Brief, Brief Lives was published in October 2015 by Constable and is available to buy online and in all good bookshops.

5 thoughts on “Key’s Cupboard : Corrections And Clarifications

  1. Gaw
    January 7, 2011 at 08:03

    Thanks for clearing that up. I have to say, I was wondering…

    ian russell
    January 7, 2011 at 08:20

    Hold on, Mr. Key, when you say ”a slice of toast” do you mean a slice from a loaf, toasted, or a slice removed from a piece of burnt bread?

    ian russell
    January 7, 2011 at 08:32

    the iFry sounds to me like a kind of handheld smart George Foreman Grill for metrosexuals and city spinsters.

    January 7, 2011 at 10:39

    I hope Jah hasn’t read this post, if he has the better world building project is right up shit creek.

  5. Worm
    January 7, 2011 at 13:48

    memo to self: consider starting new business – Ozymandias’ Antiques Land

Comments are closed.