For over four centuries, Old Key’s Almanacke has proved a spookily unerring guide to the coming twelvemonth. This year, the mysterious figure in the black cape who, it is said, communes with Old Key himself, has granted The Dabbler exclusive permission to publish these oh-so-cogent utterances.
In the year of Our Lord MMXI…
January : “Cones” appear at the site of a road closure.
February : Scientists discover a new anagram of Pol Pot.
March : A scribbler publishes a fatuity in The Guardian.
April : Down at the docks, noisome ooze and bilgewater.
May : The De Botton Conundrum is solved, to universal rejoicing.
June : In a hotel, a doctor demands his sausages.
July : Vince Cable stands windswept upon Westminster Bridge.
August : The mighty look on the works of Ozymandias and despair!
September : The crystal ball is cloudy, but we descry something about a footballer and his hamstring.
October : Eggs hatch on a farm.
November : The iFry is launched, a simulacrum of Stephen Fry that witters incessantly and is small enough to be placed in a wastepaper basket.
December : Jesus Christ returns, his image appearing on a slice of toast.