This week, Frank takes up an exciting new hobby... Bored by stamps, coins, and foopball paraphernalia, I decided to collect flies in mud. I began my collection last Saturday, and what with one thing and another have not been able to devote as much time to it as I would have ... Read More...

Frank considers that eternal question: how should one arrange one's books?... The other day I decided to rearrange my bookshelves. Their current state is, to put it mildly, chaotic. I seem to recall there being a system of sorts, some years ago, but latterly the apposite word to describe the disposition ... Read More...

Just try saying this nonsensical tongue-twister - worthy of Frank Key's Hooting Yard, in today's weird Wikipedia discovery from the Wikiworm Aldiborontiphoskyphorniostikos was a book that contained a game in which players had to read the snippet for each letter of the alphabet as fast as they could without making a mistake. Alternatively, several players could ... Read More...

This week, a guide to manners when finding oneself amongst royalty and/or pigs... We all know that good manners cost nothing, and that civility makes the world bearable. Here, then, are some useful extracts from my forthcoming Book Of Etiquette: Correct Form Of Address When Ushered Into The Presence Of Prince Fulgencio. Oh ... Read More...

Which is the most stupid member of the animal kingdom?... I have been thinking, as I sometimes do, about the ineradicable stupidity of certain members of the animal kingdom. These thoughts were prompted, today, by the newsagent’s cat. It really is a bewilderingly stupid cat. I then found myself pondering the ... Read More...

This week, strange happenings down by the filthy old canal... I was out sashaying along the towpath of the filthy old canal the other morning when I was accosted by an ACRONYM – an Asbo-Carrying Ruffian Of Narrow Yob Mentality. He growled something unintelligible at me in his barbaric innit-sprache, which ... Read More...

Commenting on Frank Key's bedtime story about the glib hatter,  Adelephant recommended the story of The Hobyahs as suitable follow-up reading matter. This remarkable folk story was collected in Joseph Jacobs' 1890 work 'English Fairy Tales'. I offer no analysis or comment - it really does speak for itself... Once there was ... Read More...

This week, an original play based on real-life events... [Dramatis Personae:] ROBERT FRIPP, modest and bashful egghead electric guitar wizard TOYAH WILCOX, pint-sized popstrel, his wife PATRICIA FRIPP, executive skills coach and motivational speaker, his sister PETE SINFIELD, magician who weaves spells with words, King Crimson lyricist Scene One. Toyah’s so-called “Yoko House”, a property devoted ... Read More...

What everyone from Hippocrates to Shakespeare said about swoons, shudders, convulsions and dread... Hargrave Jennings (c.1817-1890) was an English Rosicrucian, occultist, and writer on comparative religion, whose day job was acting as secretary to an opera manager called Colonel Mapleson. Among his works were Sermons From The Styx (1886), puportedly a ... Read More...

This week, what to say to a Scandinavian peasant about the weather... There are circumstances in which you may find yourself standing in a field alongside a Scandinavian peasant, staring at the sky. The peasant may turn to you and say: Morgenrode gir dage blode, Kveldsrode gir dage sode. What is an appropriate ... Read More...