Batten down the hatches, its American politics again. Rita doesn’t think much of the ‘Citizens United’ decision…
Greetings my fellow American Persons! My name is Behemoth Inc. and I am thrilled to celebrate my newly minted power of speech with you today. First I must confess that I come from a non-traditional family. Don’t be shocked, but I have five Daddies, all of them Supreme Court Justices. There’s no controversy about precisely when my life began. Not at conception, or even incorporation, but on January 21st 2010 when the Justices handed down their decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission. Before that date I was just a twinkle in their eyes, a powerful twinkle making tons of money but not yet a real Person. Now I am endowed with all the rights and privileges of full personhood just like you. The most important of these is free speech. Of course we all know that free speech isn’t really free, it must be bought and paid for. Anyone can stand in the town square and shout out his opinions, but it’s the guy who can afford the biggest megaphone whose speech is heard. Well guess what? I own the megaphone factory! I control all the media outlets from sea to shining sea. That’s why my Daddies created me. So they could buy the next Presidential election for their pals. It was touch and go in the 2000 election; they only managed it by some skillful trickery right at the last minute. And as we all know the 2008 election didn’t go so well, that foreign socialist got in. We don’t want to take any chances this time.
I got some good practice for the big event during the Republican primaries. I decided Mitt would be best for business. He’s super rich like me so he understands my problems. Those other guys with all their emphasis on the social issues just don’t get it. The social issues are only a means to an end, a way to get people to vote for you. If you care about them too much you won’t be ready to change your position quickly as the wind blows. So I poured money into character assassination ads in all the states where Mitt had a strong rival. Sometimes it was too easy because those guys said some really stupid things. But when they did I was ready with my big megaphone to make sure everyone heard them over and over again. I think I’m prepared for the big time now and I’m already buying up huge chunks of airtime to spread more lies about President Obama. Can you believe there are still people suggestible enough to be taken in by all those born in Kenya and secret Muslim stories? Soon I’ll have them believing Mitt really cares more about their problems than he does about getting that vacation mansion with the car elevator finished on schedule. I don’t understand all that socialist criticism of the elevator. How else is he supposed to get his fleet of cars into an underground garage? You wouldn’t want him to spoil his view of the private beach with an above ground garage would you?
The really clever part about my Daddies’ decision is that I can spend my money anonymously. I don’t have to worry about Behemoth Inc.’s fingerprints showing up on any of the dirt I dish. All I have to do is create nonprofit groups as fronts. I’ve found that it works best if I give them nice American names that make people feel all fuzzy and warm and patriotic. Like Real Americans for America, or Free Americans for Freedom. The possibilities are endless. Some people are more motivated by what they are against so I have organization names for them too. Like Moms against Muslims, Parents against Pedophiles, Car Lovers against Climatologists, Apple Pie Bakers against Foreign-sounding Pastries, and of course the all-purpose Us against Them. I have no qualms about using the name of the Lord in vain, JesusLovesAmerica.org works for me. And to attract young people all I have to do is stick an “i” in there. iLoveAmerica is an app that automatically transfers large chunks of your hard-earned cash into my coffers. See I don’t just use my own money, I grab as much of yours as I can too. Who wouldn’t contribute to the Abused Puppies for Mitt fund after they watch that cute video on YouTube?
It’s hard to believe that some of the Justices opposed my Daddies. Justice Sevens wrote a mean-spirited dissent in which he claimed that “unlike our colleagues, (the Framers) had little trouble distinguishing corporations from human beings.” Doesn’t he realize the Framers are only infallible when they agree with me? Even now some malcontents, probably socialists, write nasty things about me. After all I do for the country! I’m a job creator. I have teams of money manipulators and political smear writers working 24/7. I’m really the perfect American Person if you think about it – I don’t need health care. So long as you keep the cash flowing through my veins I can look forward confidently to a prosperous and unlimited lifespan.
Unless I have the misfortune to be taken over by Bain Capital.
“As you can imagine, it’s quite an experience to go to Bordeaux and say, ‘Give up your wine! I’ve got a great religion for you!'”
—Mitt Romney in 2002 reflecting upon his missionary experience
Oi! Editorial! Someone’s misdirected a Daily Kos article into The Dabbler. Either that or suddenly the flaneurs, amateurs and idling promenaders who make up the noble ranks of Dabblers suddenly have a dog in someone else’s culture wars.
Editorial doesn’t disagree wth you and gentle communications have been made along those lines.
The good news is that there’s a post about pubs inside trees straight after this one.
Before Romney outflanked (outspent?) his rivals for the Republican nomination, some wit pointed out that the last four runners were each known by a monosyllabic forename, and could have joined together as a hydra-headed ubercandidate named Mittrick Newtron.
I agree entirely. How dare The New York Times Co., NewsCorp., and Stanley Kaplan Education and Testing Services (which is where the Washington Post Company makes its money) actually interfere in elections and express opinions on politics. Don’t they know that they’re just corporations and should shut up?
I wish to thank my esteemed brother Frank Key for inspiring the idea of an app that automatically takes your money.
http://thedabbler.co.uk/2012/03/some-key-apps/
He knows I’m a bit of a political junkie but I promise to go cold turkey and reform.
Thank you. I too hope that we do not have to hear the Daily Kos/Huffington Post party line at The Dabbler between now and November 6. (Although I am sure that a “satire” on the Mormon Church can be expected.) “Satire” of this sort is readily available to the converted from the usual sources, I would think.
(By the way, if anybody thinks that the Supreme Court’s decision in Citizens United is a hoot, wait until you get a gander at the Court’s decision on Obamacare next month!)
While I too can happily live without a Mormon “satire” I would like to be told more about Mormon underpants, and whether there is any connection with underpants bombers. These are important issues.
There is no need for a Mormon satire – the curious can read Jon Krakauer’s “Under the Banner of Heaven.” Underpants is the least of it!