Those who feared that the passing of Steve Jobs would mean the end of exciting, beautiful, life-changing technology need not despair, for Key Apps are here…
Boffins at the Hooting Yard Global Domination Lab, high in the Swiss Alps, are putting the finishing touches to a series of new apps. I am one of the last half dozen people on earth who eschews the use of a mobile phone or similar hand-held device, but my spies tell me these apps will revolutionise the digital age and make me wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice. They will be officially launched at the Hooting Yard Apps Fair at some point in the coming months, to be held in a crumbling hotel at some godforsaken seaside resort.
When you are down in the dumps, this handy app will diagnose what ails thee, and suggest personalised cures based on Robert Burton’s The Anatomy of Melancholy. Now, instead of moping about, you will have at your fingertips the very best of seventeenth century knowledge regarding the workings of the misery-racked human brain, peppered with Latin quotations!
This indispensable app collects, collates, and crumples up all the various spoutings spouted by Stephen Fry in any media, and tosses them straight into your iBin.
This fantastic little app allows you to relive episodes in the career of Richard Milhous Nixon, including the “Checkers” speech, the Vice-Presidential kerfuffle in Venezuela, the Christmas bombing of Cambodia, and the Watergate cover-up. Complete with iMashedPotato for anger management issues.
Carry up to six iBricks at a time with this digital hod.
Just point and click and watch an angry Godzilla topple and destroy important manmade structures and tourist attractions around the world.
Simply slide your fingertip over the iKey icon and, voila!, this app empties your bank account and transfers all available (and future) funds directly into Mr Key’s pocket!