Some Key Apps

Key's Cupboard

Those who feared that the passing of Steve Jobs would mean the end of exciting, beautiful, life-changing technology need not despair, for Key Apps are here…

Boffins at the Hooting Yard Global Domination Lab, high in the Swiss Alps, are putting the finishing touches to a series of new apps. I am one of the last half dozen people on earth who eschews the use of a mobile phone or similar hand-held device, but my spies tell me these apps will revolutionise the digital age and make me wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice. They will be officially launched at the Hooting Yard Apps Fair at some point in the coming months, to be held in a crumbling hotel at some godforsaken seaside resort.

The iWoe

When you are down in the dumps, this handy app will diagnose what ails thee, and suggest personalised cures based on Robert Burton’s The Anatomy of Melancholy. Now, instead of moping about, you will have at your fingertips the very best of seventeenth century knowledge regarding the workings of the misery-racked human brain, peppered with Latin quotations!

The iFry

This indispensable app collects, collates, and crumples up all the various spoutings spouted by Stephen Fry in any media, and tosses them straight into your iBin.

The iAmnotacrook

This fantastic little app allows you to relive episodes in the career of Richard Milhous Nixon, including the “Checkers” speech, the Vice-Presidential kerfuffle in Venezuela, the Christmas bombing of Cambodia, and the Watergate cover-up. Complete with iMashedPotato for anger management issues.

The iHod

Carry up to six iBricks at a time with this digital hod.

The iFellTower

Just point and click and watch an angry Godzilla topple and destroy important manmade structures and tourist attractions around the world.

The iKey

Simply slide your fingertip over the iKey icon and, voila!, this app empties your bank account and transfers all available (and future) funds directly into Mr Key’s pocket!

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About Author Profile: Frank Key

Frank Key is a London-based writer, blogger and broadcaster best known for his Hooting Yard blog, short-story collections and his long-running radio series Hooting Yard on the Air, which has been broadcast weekly on Resonance FM since April 2004. By Aerostat to Hooting Yard - A Frank Key Reader, an ideal introduction to his fiction, is published for Kindle by Dabbler Editions. Mr Key's Shorter Potted Brief, Brief Lives was published in October 2015 by Constable and is available to buy online and in all good bookshops.

5 thoughts on “Some Key Apps

    March 30, 2012 at 09:15

    Do these apps work across all platforms?

    March 30, 2012 at 09:17

    They have been tested out on platforms 4, 5 and 9 at Waterloo Station, but the results have not yet been analysed.

    March 30, 2012 at 11:56

    I suppose it’s generational, but how I miss Nixon. The dog, the wife, the ‘good Republican cloth coat’, the red-baiting, the self-pity (‘you won’t have Dick Nixon to kick around any more’), the jowls, the tiff with Khruschev over white goods, and the day-after-day sheer bliss of being alive as Watergate unravelled.

      March 31, 2012 at 08:52

      I always thought Gordon Brown had a touch of the Nixons about him.

    March 31, 2012 at 08:42

    There are two Steven Fry apps, one for the iPhone and one for the iPad. Nothing for us hoi polloi using Android though.

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