Row Z – Poms and Convicts

As the Ashes get underway with the first Test in Brisbane, here are some selected quotes illustrating the rich history of Anglo-Aussie cricket relations…

Us on them

“The aim of English cricket, is in fact, mainly to beat Australians.”
Jim Laker in his autobiography, 1960

“The Australian temper is at bottom grim. It is though the sun has dried up his nature.”
Sir Neville Cardus

“I’ve not travelled 6,000 miles to make friends. I’m here to win the Ashes.”
Douglas Jardine, 1932-33 Ashes – creator of the Bodyline tactic, which the Aussies are still whingeing about to this day.

“All Australians are an uneducated and unruly mob.”
Douglas Jardine to Australian wicketkeeper Stork Hendry during the Bodyline series, 1932-33.

“I’m very proud, very proud of my heritage – and, unlike Mr Keating, I do have one.”
Ian Botham before the 1992 World Cup final in Melbourne. Botham left a banquet after an entertainer made fun of the Queen. The Australian prime minister, Keating, accused him of being “precious”

“Not bad for the worst team ever to leave England.”
Mike Gatting on winning the 1986 Ashes, after facing the usual suggestions about his team’s weakness

Them on us

“Don’t give the bastard a drink- let him die of thirst.”
England captain Douglas Jardine’s favourite piece of barracking from the crowd in Sydney during the 1932-1933 Bodyline series#

“I’ll bowl you a f***ing piano, you Pommie poof, let’s see if you can play that.”
Merv Hughes to Michael Atherton, 1989 Ashes

“Bailey, I wish you were a statue and I was a pigeon.”
Heckle from the Sydney crowd, MCC’s 1954/55 tour to Australia

“Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.”
Australian barracker addressing England’s Phil Tufnell 1994-95

“I dunno. Maybe it’s that tally-ho lads attitude. You know, there’ll always be an England, all that Empire crap they dish out. But I could never cop Poms.”
Jeff Thomson, Australian fast bowler, 1987

“McCague will go down in Test cricket history as the rat who joined the sinking ship.”
Daily Telegraph Mirror in Sydney on Martin McCague’s 1993 selection for England against Australia, where he grew up

“What do you think this is, a f****** tea party? No you can’t have a f****** glass of water. You can f****** wait like the rest of us.”
Australian captain Allan Border to England batsman Robin Smith, Trent Bridge Test, 1989

“I think I was saying 3-0 or 4-0 about 12 months ago, thinking there might be a bit of rain around. But with the weather as it is at the moment, I have to say 5-0.”
Glenn McGrath makes his 2005 Ashes series prediction (England won 3-1)

…And showing that Aussie stereotypes are generally accurate:

“I acted as pacemaker on the first leg – from Melbourne to Honolulu – then others helped out on the last two stretches as I enjoyed a good sleep. When we got to London, Graeme Wood and I were fresh enough to help him off the plane. The man needed some help after 45 cans!”
Dennis Lillee describes Rodney Marsh’s attempt at the Australian beer drinking record during the f light from Australia to England for the 1985 Ashes

“In my day 58 beers between London and Sydney would have virtually classified you as a teetotaller.”
Ian Chappell, former Australian captain, informed that David Boon drank 58 beers on the flight to England, 1989. Boon claimed to be scared of flying

“G’day, howya going?”
Australian fast bowler Dennis Lillee addressing the Queen at Lord’s, 1972

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7 thoughts on “Row Z – Poms and Convicts

  1. johngjobling@googlemail.com'
    malty
    November 26, 2010 at 13:13

    Being a non-cricketer you will need to cut me some slack here, the Aussie who bowled out those three decent hard working, upright Englishmen seems to have taken large quantities of banned substances, his mimicking of Andy Murray was deeply disconcerting, I was never one who held the upside downers in high regard really, well, think they are a bit naff really, all gob and no brains, full of themselves, meritocracy? yeah, right. I digress.

  2. bugbrit@live.com'
    Banished To A Pompous Land
    November 26, 2010 at 13:34

    Ahhhhh the Ashes. Nothing like them to bring out the tattered Cross of St George Y-fronts.

    Play up, play up and play the game…and crush the @#*!&% bastards.

  3. andrewnixon@blueyonder.co.uk'
    November 26, 2010 at 13:45

    I think Ian Chappell’s quote (the penultimate one here) is the best and Aussiest thing an Aussie has ever said.

    • bugbrit@live.com'
      Banished To A Pompous Land
      November 26, 2010 at 17:44

      And the image of Merv that heads the article is the worst and Aussiest face any Aussie ever had.

  4. johngjobling@googlemail.com'
    malty
    November 26, 2010 at 18:17

    Or “nah, don’t need a rifle, I’ve got a donk”

  5. fchantree@yahoo.co.uk'
    Gadjo Dilo
    November 27, 2010 at 08:54

    I heard that ‘keeper Rod Marsh used to greet Ian Botham when he came to the wicket to bat with “Hey mate, how’s your wife and my kids?” Great that we had Both, a man who could out-Oz even the nastiest ocker.

  6. peter.burnet@hotmail.com'
    Peter
    November 27, 2010 at 23:59

    You are both very lucky you have each other.

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