A Full and Complete Explanation of Everything

Nige endures the company of a conspiracy theorist…

Not long ago, for reasons that would be tedious to explain here, I found myself sharing an uncomfortable sofa with a sturdily built one-eyed man of County Galway origin. Having filled me in on the topography of that county of lakes and mountains, he deftly steered the conversation to matters theological. A keen daily reader of ‘scripture’, he had an especial interest in (you’re there before me, aren’t you) the Revelation of St John. We are, he assured me with heart-sinking inevitability, living in the end times, and the Devil, that cunning two-faced beast, is stalking the land.

At this point, he fixed me with his one good eye and unleashed his zinger – the Freemasons. They (I shall not stoop to ‘dey’ but take it as read) are everywhere – and by everywhere, he certainly meant everywhere; his conviction in this matter was nothing if not thoroughgoing. The Pope, the whole of the Vatican, the bishops of all churches and many of the clergy are Freemasons, doing the devil’s work, and so are all the world’s leaders. As a result, all they have to do is pick up the phone to each other, ask for a few nuclear weapons or a little war or invasion, and the deal’s done – anything to oblige a fellow Mason.

He knew all this because, by way of supplementing his scriptural researches, he had read many books on the subject and watched many DVDs. As for the police – the well informed Galwayman had much to impart on that subject, not least about the Soham murderer (a Mason of course)… But alas at this point a twinge in my back forced me to rise from the uncomfortable sofa and leave him to await his next pupil.

I wonder if all this explains where Gordon Brown went wrong – he wasn’t a Mason. Blair, so the Galwayman informed me, was. Which explains everything. Which is, of course, the beauty of conspiracy theories.

And now I must get my application to join the Masons in the post. It might be fun to run the world for a bit.

Share This Post

About Author Profile: Nige

Cravat-Wearer of the Year Nige, who, like Mr Kenneth Horne, prefers to remain anonymous, is a founder blogger of The Dabbler and has been a co-blogger on the Bryan Appleyard Thought Experiments blog. He is the sole blogger on Nigeness, and (for now) a wholly owned subsidiary of NigeCorp. His principal aim is to share various of life's pleasures.

11 thoughts on “A Full and Complete Explanation of Everything

  1. walter_aske@yahoo.co.uk'
    November 23, 2011 at 13:42

    Did he get onto the hot topic of the Jesuits? i had an Irish commentator on my old blog, who would leave immense anti-Jesuit conspiracy theory tracts on almost every post. He called himself “Anon”.

  2. Brit
    November 23, 2011 at 13:50

    I think the Masons have broken our pictures.

    • bugbrit@live.com'
      November 23, 2011 at 17:02

      Thankfully I see you have had the Illuminati in and the pictures are now working again.

  3. nigeandrew@gmail.com'
    November 23, 2011 at 13:58

    Sadly no Elbery, he didn’t so much as mention the Jesuits…

  4. peter.burnet@hotmail.com'
    November 23, 2011 at 14:10

    Crazy, we can all agree, but simply replace “the Masons” with “the 1%” and you have today’s cutting-edged leftist economic analysis.

    • bugbrit@live.com'
      November 23, 2011 at 17:01

      And I’m sure that the Galwayman coulf have cofirmed that the “1%” and the Masons are one and the same!

      They are a wise bunch indeed on the Galway Bay.

  5. george.jansen55@gmail.com'
    November 23, 2011 at 14:16

    The RC hierarchy riddled with Masons? It used to take a distinctly cold view of them, though I suppose that could have changed. The dislike was mutual–work on the Washington Monument was suspended for some decades after certain Masons removed a stone contributed by the pope and sank it in the Potomac.

    Those of us who stayed awake in our American History classes (7th grade? 11th grade?) will remember that the first political convention ever held in the US for the purpose of nominating a presidential candidate was held by the Anti-Masonic party.

  6. mcrean@snowpetrel.net'
    November 23, 2011 at 15:12

    What about the Knights of Malta? They always get left out when conspiracy theories are discussed. It must be terribly frustrating for them. The Oddfellows Lodge sound just the ticket for Gordon Brown.

  7. davidanddonnacohen@gmail.com'
    November 23, 2011 at 15:35

    The American Revolution and the subornation of the more decentralized Articles of Confederation in favor of the more centralized Constitutional government was in fact a conspiracy of Freemasons.

    One day, Shmuel came across his friend Saul sitting at an outside cafe. Saul had a stack of the most vile antisemitic papers on the table in front of him, and was avidly reading and nodding in agreement.

    “Saul,” says Shmuel, “are you meshuggah? Why are you wasting your time on this opfal?”

    “Is it so wrong,” replied Saul, “to every once in a while want to read about how we run the world?”

    • jgslang@gmail.com'
      November 23, 2011 at 16:53

      Exactly. Masons, Shmasons. When I grow up I want to be an Elder of Zion.

Comments are closed.