Dabbler Correspondent Toby Ash was left bemused whilst shopping on a flight from Boston to Atlanta.
On an internal flight during a recent short break in the United States, I pulled out my notebook and pen to scribble down some thoughts on the key differences between Americans and Brits. But as I scratched about for some profound and original observations, I realised that the answer was in front of my eyes. I mean literally right in front of my eyes in the form of the Delta Air Lines SkyMall on-board shopping catalogue.
Sure you can buy booze, fags and perfume, but you can also purchase at 35,000 feet these must-never-have items:
This is the ‘The Zombie of Montclaire Moors’ statue. For just $89.95 this exclusive, life-size, grey-toned zombie “will claw his way out of your garden, plot, office or family room corner, pleading for assistance with the eeriest eyes you’ve ever seen. Captured in quality designer resin with meticulous detail…you’ll swear you can hear him groaning!”
It seems this zombie is a great favourite with Delta customers. Here are a couple of customer comments:
I bought this product as a wedding gift for my son and his wife after they were married by a Grim Reaper impersonator in a wedding chapel in Las Vegas. It seemed to fit in with the general theme of the wedding ceremony.
Who says romance is dead?
And this rather worrying comment from DeeLee in Arizona:
This zombie has a great likeness to a real zombie [Er, really DeeLee?]…the eyes are very realistic…I thought that it moved, like the other skeleton I bought from SkyMall, but it doesn’t…and I think a sound affect [sic], like moaning, would be a great addition.
Yes, a moaning zombie would be good but please God may I never have to step foot in your home DeeLee.
After being scared witless by the designer resin Zombie protruding from your floor, a convenient and easy-to-use stress reliever is an absolute must. Fortunately the SkyMall has just thing for $49.95.
This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilises acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away.
Yeh, last time I was in Milan they were all wearing them. It goes so well with a Prada suit. And it soothes your problems away? Big promise that one. Do you just put it on and watch your overdraft vanish?
Internet access is available on Delta flights, but it costs you. Unless of course you just want to access the SkyMall catalogue on-line when wi-fi is free!
Only by accessing the catalogue on-line and watching this video can one really appreciate the benefits of the Litter Kwitter, a patented training programme to get your cat to use a human loo. Although I am slightly disappointed that the sinister looking but smart Siamese didn’t get to flush or use loo paper (levels 4 and 5 perhaps?), I almost welled up watching the Litter Kwitter graduate roll of honour. Oh you clever, clever moggies.
The SkyMall catalogue is full of gizmos to allow pets to defecate in the house without bothering their owners too much. Of course I was tempted to shout ‘Let them shit in the garden’, but realised that this might well be impossible as the SkyMall catalogue also has sonic devices that send deafening tones into the ear drums of cats and dogs venturing into gardens. The poor buggers really have nowhere to turn…or squat.
But if they can’t step paw on a real lawn, why not bring the lawn into the home?
They think of everything at SkyMall. This Porch Potty includes:
…plush synthetic grass, scented fire hydrant, and both indoor/outdoor self-drainage. The Premium Porch Potty offers an automated rinse and drain system that utilizes embedded sprinklers and an optional water timer to assure the cleanest environment possible. Porch Potty is the simple solution for a cleaner home and a happier dog.
Methinks the dog would be even happier if their owner got off their lazy arse and took it for a walk.
But look on the bright side mutts, at least you won’t have to confront one of these in the yard:
A SkyMall Classic:
…this elusive, mythical legend has been captured …in a quality designer resin statue and hand-painted for startling realism. With his characteristically big feet…the Garden Yeti Statue will have guests doing a double-take as they admire your creative decor style!
Well the double take is a cert. Most likely followed by ‘Can we leave right now?’ thoughts.
So, back to the fundamental difference between Americans and Brits. It’s simple. Americans are quite comfortable buying dross like this at 35,000 feet. Brits are not. Yet.
that zombie looks more like the classic ”man drowning in quicksand to me” (a thing which I believe is scientifically proven to be impossible due to the comparative densities of man and quicksand – unless, of course, one is face down and unconscious, a state where it is quite possible to drown in a mere puddle of water.)
I think a simple rotting carcass concealed in the shrubbery might help DeeLee with extra realism.
Tell me it ain’t so. ‘Man drowning in quicksand’ (unless, that is, intrepid friends form a hand-linked chain and lie out across said quicksand and drag him out – or indeed her for gratuitous wet blouse effect when featured on-screen) is a ripping yarn staple. See for instance ‘Krull’, but there are so many others. Don’t take my nightmares away, please.
Christ, that scene in Krull gave me the night-terrors for years. Thanks for bringing them back.
Also the bit where the Cyclops dude gets crushed by the door.
Further to my heretofore, here’s a link to ‘Quicksnad in the Movies’: http://www.dellamente.com/quicksand/doc/qsmovies.htm
My 10-year-old’s favourite reading matter of the moment is a book called Wee on a Jellyfish Sting — And Other Lies Grown-ups Will Tell You. This is one of those invaluable books that teach you that everything you thought you knew is wrong.
From it I learn that quicksand: 1/ has no power of suck; 2/ is usually very shallow; and 3/ is actually easier to float in than water.
You’re absolutely right Ian. Than zombie isn’t climbing out, he’s being sucked in. You can see the fear in his quality designer resin eyes.
I’m always very impressed by the copywriters who come up with positive descriptions of proper tat.
Women’s weekly magazines are good for this – the full-page ads for some figurine of Pocahontas or a china plate covered in fairies cuddling puppies.
Useful standby words: “exquisite”; “lovingly handcrafted”; “cherished”; “heirloom”.
At least tat gives the copywriters something to get hold of. Any old fool can do that.
No, the true copywriting heroes, the elite, the black-bandanad snatch squads, all work for library supply companies. Telephone directory-sized catalogues, websites larger than Wikipedia and not a single interesting, unusual, high quality or eccentric product to be had. And it’s even a dying industry! But are they downhearted? Try Gresswells for size: if boredom is a prison, then this is history’s greatest failed breakout attempt.
Can zombies be drowned in quicksand? Anyone have information?
Oh I don’t know, James. You can buy a Cantilibra Display and Storage Unit from Gresswells in which “End panels are supplied slatted and are available in beech melamine faced chipboard”.
Pretty exciting stuff, that melamine faced chipboard.
One baulks at the thought but if Mr zombie is one of those blowy-up jobbies then jumping up and down on the creepy twerp may send him to the bottom. Unfortunately the jumper may well follow and who in their right mind would wish to spend the rest of their days at the bottom of the Qattara Depression lying on top of a blow-up zombie with a grudge.
Who indeed, Malty, who indeed.
Eureka, baubles rivalling the ‘jewellery’ section of the Argos catalogue or the rough guide to hell as it’s locally known.
Picture No 1 is either a holiday snap from Grimpen Mire or a scene from the latest Spiral episode. Brit, avoid if you will using the terms ‘good’ and ‘women’s weekly magazines’ in the same sentence unless referring to their usefulness as packing.
As an aside, two shops in Köln sell those ape statues and associated tripe, all standing over three meters tall and costing thousands of Euros. Raising the question ‘who the….buys this stuff’
Mrs Banished To A Pompous Land does…!
We take our halloween very seriously over here. Its the undeclared holiday of the year.
Mrs Banished purchased this little cutie last year and he was placed crawling vertically down the porch column.
http://www.spirithalloween.com/product/mb-creeping-tommy-zombie-baby/
There was talk of the life-size talking Pinhead from Hellraiser but more rational minds triumphed. Well I did anyway, though my rationality is frequently called into question.
‘We’ went for the talking skeleton who sits in the rocking chair on the porch. His neck extends, his head rotates and he speaks various ‘chilling’ phrases. He wasn’t plugged in in the end though as he scared the bejeesus out of Banished Jr.
Gentlemen, I kid you not.
I can understand buying a zombie for Halloween, but this one was in the SkyMall catalogue in April. No, this was marketed as an all-year-round zombie decorating feature. I see that you can actually adopt Creeping Tommy Zombie Baby Prop. Did you…?
Alas no Toby, we bought in the store and not on-line and then, well you know how it is. You mean to adopt your rubber zombie baby but don’t quite get around to it. Believe me it was discussed though.
An excellent shopping expedition also included the aforementioned animatronic bejeezus-scaring skeleton, some excellent rubber rats and a selection of realistic severed limbs
Halloween comes but once a year alas.
The topsoil used to make the grave-mounds makes excellent top dressing when raked over the rest of the lawn come November 1st.
An animatronic bejeezus-scaring skeleton. Wonderful. Every home should have one.
SkyMall’s buyer is either curiously lacking in taste, or has a very curious sense of humour…
D’you think the Garden Yeti Statue would make a good scarecrow?
Is it the SkyMall buyer lacking in taste or is he/she just giving the punters what they crave? I doubt birds would fall for the hand-painted resin yeti statue. They are not that stupid.
Not sure about a Zombie (too much rum) but I could always manage a decent Whisky Sour. Tastes pretty good at ground level as well.
Do you ever worry you might have a bit of a one-track mind, Ian?
Consistency is everything!
Perhaps I should add that this Whisky Sour should be made with a subtle, complex single malt whisky in which all of the delicate flavours are freely allowed to express themselves…whatever could I be thinking of?