Toots

Today, horror fiction and groovy ska music combine in a tale about Toots and his missing Maytals... Toots clattered up to the post office counter, sore perplexed. “Hello Toots, what can I do for you today?” said the friendly postmaster. “I am sore perplexed,” said Toots, “I have lost my Maytals.” The postmaster was ... Read More...

Flies In Mud

This week, Frank takes up an exciting new hobby... Bored by stamps, coins, and foopball paraphernalia, I decided to collect flies in mud. I began my collection last Saturday, and what with one thing and another have not been able to devote as much time to it as I would have ... Read More...

Books And Pencils

Frank considers that eternal question: how should one arrange one's books?... The other day I decided to rearrange my bookshelves. Their current state is, to put it mildly, chaotic. I seem to recall there being a system of sorts, some years ago, but latterly the apposite word to describe the disposition ... Read More...

Some Handy Tips On Etiquette

This week, a guide to manners when finding oneself amongst royalty and/or pigs... We all know that good manners cost nothing, and that civility makes the world bearable. Here, then, are some useful extracts from my forthcoming Book Of Etiquette: Correct Form Of Address When Ushered Into The Presence Of Prince Fulgencio. Oh ... Read More...

Cat Versus Booby

Which is the most stupid member of the animal kingdom?... I have been thinking, as I sometimes do, about the ineradicable stupidity of certain members of the animal kingdom. These thoughts were prompted, today, by the newsagent’s cat. It really is a bewilderingly stupid cat. I then found myself pondering the ... Read More...

Acronym & Acrostic

This week, strange happenings down by the filthy old canal... I was out sashaying along the towpath of the filthy old canal the other morning when I was accosted by an ACRONYM – an Asbo-Carrying Ruffian Of Narrow Yob Mentality. He growled something unintelligible at me in his barbaric innit-sprache, which ... Read More...

The Fripps, Episode 94

This week, an original play based on real-life events... [Dramatis Personae:] ROBERT FRIPP, modest and bashful egghead electric guitar wizard TOYAH WILCOX, pint-sized popstrel, his wife PATRICIA FRIPP, executive skills coach and motivational speaker, his sister PETE SINFIELD, magician who weaves spells with words, King Crimson lyricist Scene One. Toyah’s so-called “Yoko House”, a property devoted ... Read More...

Weather Lore

This week, what to say to a Scandinavian peasant about the weather... There are circumstances in which you may find yourself standing in a field alongside a Scandinavian peasant, staring at the sky. The peasant may turn to you and say: Morgenrode gir dage blode, Kveldsrode gir dage sode. What is an appropriate ... Read More...

My Life As A Musical

This week, Frank takes to singing in public... I am angry, I am ill, and I’m as ugly as sin. My irritability keeps me alive and kicking. That was me, sitting bolt upright in bed upon waking at dawn, singing my little heart out, like a chaffinch or a linnet. I sang ... Read More...