We are honoured once again to publish Old Key’s Almanacke, a series of unerringly accurate (as you will see from the last edition) predictions for the coming twelvemonth…
January : Police swoop on all living octogenarian light entertainers not yet arrested under Operation Yewtree.
February : Twitcher spots corncrake through binoculars.
March : Scientists discover tiny particle of sentient brain inside head of Russell Brand.
April : The cruellest month.
May : Rich Tea biscuits, voted the nation’s favourite, left uneaten at bottom of tin.
June : Scientists revise their view of the “Brand particle” (see March) after further experiments show it is merely a smudge on their X-rays.
July : Blockbuster film Foolish People Running Away From Big Explosions In 3D breaks box office records.
August : Kerfuffle in far-away country between people of whom we know nothing.
September : Farmer leans on fence and bemoans weather.
October : In cabinet reshuffle, Eric Pickles moves up, down, sideways, and shakes it all about.
November : Hampstead-based novelist publishes shattering novel about life of novelist living in Hampstead.
December : In his Christmas message, Ringo Starr makes peace sign and declares “peace and love” in a grumpy voice.