We are honoured once again to publish Old Key’s Almanacke, a series of unerringly accurate (as you will see from the last edition) predictions for the coming twelvemonth…

January : Police swoop on all living octogenarian light entertainers not yet arrested under Operation Yewtree.

February : Twitcher spots corncrake through binoculars.

March : Scientists discover tiny particle of sentient brain inside head of Russell Brand.

April : The cruellest month.

May : Rich Tea biscuits, voted the nation’s favourite, left uneaten at bottom of tin.

June : Scientists revise their view of the “Brand particle” (see March) after further experiments show it is merely a smudge on their X-rays.

July : Blockbuster film Foolish People Running Away From Big Explosions In 3D breaks box office records.

August : Kerfuffle in far-away country between people of whom we know nothing.

September : Farmer leans on fence and bemoans weather.

October : In cabinet reshuffle, Eric Pickles moves up, down, sideways, and shakes it all about.

November : Hampstead-based novelist publishes shattering novel about life of novelist living in Hampstead.

December : In his Christmas message, Ringo Starr makes peace sign and declares “peace and love” in a grumpy voice.

And another prediction we can guarantee to come true: By Aerostat to Hooting Yard: A Frank Key Reader, published for Kindle by Dabbler Editions, will be coming very soon…

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  1. malty on Friday 3, 2014

    Oh bother, not worth getting out of me burrow then, not unless Kim Jong Un runs out of uncles.