The Da Vinci Code, A Nest of Tables, a Tom Tom Satnav

da vinci

For some years now, Dr M von Vogelhausen has been the go-to reviewer on Amazon UK. We’re delighted to welcome him to The Dabbler, where we’ll be showcasing some of his invaluable assessments of books, electronic devices and other goods. Never buy anything again unless Dr M has tested it first…

The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
***  Intriguing…

I have been a fan of Da Vinci ever since I was a child romping in the lush corn fields of North Dakota. So it was with a sense of breathless and giddy expectation that I turned to the first chapter. It would be unfair to say that I was surprised; that would be such an understatement as to cause the very angels themselves to weep. I was flummoxed and bewildered by the sparkling, shining, bewitching genius of this inhumanly majestic tour de force. Several single words alone were almost enough to stop my heart there and then. The subtle changes in mood, the luminous use of description, the almost flirtatious way he plays with plot, like my dog Jasper would with a dead pigeon when he was a youngun. When I laid the book to one side I did so spent and panting ever so slightly, and listened to the suddenly loud noise of the cicadas in the sweltering evening silence of the Hungarian desert. Would I ever read again? Perhaps. But not like this, not like this.

 

tables

Contemporary Nest of Tables (by Myakka)
***** brilliant, though not without issues

I was delighted with these tables – the quality of the wood was excellent, and they suited my room perfectly. The only problem I had with them is that I misunderstood the nature of the word “nest”. I assumed that the normal usage of the word applied, that is, that they fitted together one under the other. In fact I was surprised to find that it was a nest more in the animal sense, and that by dawn on the second day there were several small tables, which I call “table eggs”. They grow slowly but already my flat is full of them, all with names of their own.

 

tom tom

 

TomTom XL Satellite Navigation System – Western Europe (22)
**** a very interesting product indeed

I have a car and I like to get to the places that I intend to visit, as I have found that so often failing to do this causes frustration. So it was that I bought this nifty little number. It fixed onto my dashboard with a minimum of fuss, which was just as well, as I have been running low on patience lately.

Properly installed, I had three days of blissful directed motoring, and I was, I admit it, happy. Then, on the M76, the screen went blank for roughly 9 minutes and 21 seconds. When normal service was resumed, I found myself led down some unusual B roads, and the voice coming from the machine seemed to have a different timbre. I drove on.

“You have reached your destination”, it informed me and I duly brought the car smoothly to a halt, and looked around. I was on a winding dirt road, and I could tell from the smell of the shrubbery, the cracked, scorched earth and the dustclouds on the horizon that I was somewhere in Kent. I pressed several buttons, and found myself shouting at it, but soon enough the voice piped up again. “Your anger is futile.”

I am not ashamed to say that I cried then; the bitter tears dried to tasty salt in the sweltering Kentish desert sun. I pleaded with the machine, I bargained with it. Some hours later (4), I came to accept the machine as a higher power, or at the very least the portal through which such a power could make itself known. I looked around me at the sullen, brooding sky and the twisted flametrees, and I said “I have reached my destination.” The machine said nothing. It sat there implacable. I cried again, and beat the steering wheel with my fists.

Then I remembered the reset button, and pressed that. Since then it has worked perfectly. All in all a great buy.

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4 thoughts on “The Da Vinci Code, A Nest of Tables, a Tom Tom Satnav

  1. johngjobling@googlemail.com'
    malty
    November 13, 2013 at 08:55

    Dear Herr Doktor, tell me it wasn’t you, under a nom de plume, who reviewed the weed killer Roundup “If there was a zero star I would give it, this product, when I sprayed it on my lawn killed the grass.”

    I had previously thought that it was AA Gill as the review mirrored the biting incisiveness of his tale-telling telly stuff.

    • rodriscoll@ags.bucks.sch.uk'
      Dr. M. von Vogelhausen
      November 15, 2013 at 18:34

      Hello, it wasn’t one of mine. Luckily weeds do not grow in the gardens of Vogelhausen Towers. (Although they do grow inside the airing cupboards, along with vines and a stubborn Venus fly trap).

  2. Worm
    November 13, 2013 at 09:54

    “Would I ever read again? Perhaps. But not like this, not like this.”

    love it!

    • rodriscoll@ags.bucks.sch.uk'
      Dr. M. von Vogelhausen
      November 15, 2013 at 18:34

      Thanks!

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