Inspired by Rita’s ‘letter from America’ column, but not willing to come and live in England, David Cohen provides a US perspective of the English – a sort of ‘Dispatches (not quite) from the Former Old World’ – beginning with a look at our geography…
For a while this winter, my wife and I were considering taking a trip to England. Not least of the attractions of this plan was the notion of selling out to the The Dabbler by writing a series of amusing vignettes of the fish out of water variety playing off the theme of an American misunderstanding the English. Unfortunately, like all get-rich-quick schemes, this one crashed and burned. We ultimately chose to visit British Columbia, which is farther from England than you might think.
It wouldn’t have worked anyway. It turns out that, having watched English TV, read English newspapers and even attended English plays, I know quite a bit about England. More in some ways than the English know about themselves. Since the Internet means never having to leave home, I’ve decided to write my travelogue sitting in my own chair. This is, by the way, very English of me, although in fairness so is going to distant lands, wrenching things off the local architecture and bringing them home. England, as we shall see, is a land of contradictions.
England is located on an island off the coast of the EU, sharing much the same relationship to the mainland as Manhattan has to the US. Indeed, one of the keys to properly understanding England is how much like New York City it is, each with troublesome hinterlands, secession minded islands off their own coasts, a financial sector at once indispensable and despised, and Queens. Oddly, both hate Jersey.
There are, of course, differences. Where Manhattan has a high density urban population surrounding open green space, England has open green space surrounding a high density urban population. It is somewhat easier to travel the length of England than Manhattan, although no one ever does either. There is equally little reason to ever leave the center.
In size, England is a little smaller than Louisiana and a little bigger than Mississippi. Per capita income, too, is about the same as in Mississippi although, with 50,000,000 people give or take, the economy as a whole is much larger. England is, in other words, poor, overpopulated and as amply demonstrated by their popular culture, sex-obsessed. The English are in denial about all of this, believing against all evidence that they are so rich that they ought to feel guilty and so sexless that they ought to be dwindling. It all has something to do with Polish plumbers but the English won’t speak of it.
Political power is concentrated in the hands of a select few who are born to it, although the English are embarrassed by this and go out of their way to deny it. They claim that anyone can go to Oxbridge, a cute portmanteau word they use instead of “ruling class” but in fact traditionally only about 100 young English people a year go to Oxbridge, half Tory (English for “my dad went to Oxbridge, too”) and half Labour (“my dad went to Oxbridge but my granddad worked in the mines”). Recently, slots have opened up for New Labour (“my granddad owned the mines”) and Lib-Dems (“mines? What mines? How come I don’t have any mines?”). The rest of England gets their college degree from the television.
American politicians, too, often have some connection to Oxbridge, which in American means “drunk for a year.”
The English economy is remarkably diverse, spanning from banks doing what American banks were doing 12 months earlier to singers singing what Americans will be singing 12 months from now. England’s largest domestic industry is drinking, at which they excel. This drinking, combined with their reverence for Victorian plumbing, accounts for England’s chief import: Polish plumbers. England’s chief export is movie stars. It used to be rock stars, but they died.
Although (unlike France) not simply a nation-sized museum with exquisite catering, England is chock full of things for tourists to see. These tend to be churches stolen from the Roman Catholic Church so long ago that the English have almost gotten over it. Contrary to rumor, Catholic tourists need not be nervous; it’s been literally years since the English burned any actual Catholics. In addition to churches, the English also have other buildings, many of which look like churches.
Finally, a brief word on English regions. Traditionally, the English are very much devoted to their regional identities, of which they have two: London and not-London. It used to be easy to tell these regions apart, since they spoke mutually incomprehensible dialects. Thus, once a London tour guide could no longer order a beer at the bar (in London: a pint at the pub; in not-London: a lager at the local), savvy tourists would know that that they had left London. These days, the regional distinctions are largely dead and everyone speaks as if they were from south London. For some reason, they all sing as if they were black sharecroppers in 1937 Mississippi.
In sum, England is what you would get if New York and Mississippi had a baby. And Polish plumbers.
Next time, we’ll discuss the chief English sports: not-baseball and not-football.
Brilliant, David. I’m speechless with admiration (well, nearly). One thing, though. Could you please clarify whether – as is traditional – you include Scotland and Wales when you use the term ‘England’? It’s just that later today we have a disquisition on the contumacious state of North Britain and it would be good to know whether we can compare notes.
Excellent question, Gaw.
I am using “England” in its strictest sense to mean “south of Scotland.”
(For those less familiar with English humour, Gaw’s question about Wales is quite funny, Wales being a mythological principality serving much the same purpose in England as Chelm does for eastern European Jewry or Yoknapatawpha County in Mississippi.)
“each with troublesome hinterlands, secession minded islands off their own coasts, a financial sector at once indispensable and despised, and Queens. Oddly, both hate Jersey.”
Brilliant stuff!! Reads a lot like PJ O’Rourke (a UK television actor, famous for his long running series of adverts for British Airways)
How observant of you old chap for, well, a foreign Johnnie, you are remarkably well informed, when you say that you attend English plays can we assume this is merely for effect?
Actually, old top, I absolutely haunt the East End. I’ve been dining out for years on the story of how I saw the origincal production of Cats in London.
Bravo David, but on the whole we’d far rather be Virginia.
On the whole I am in Virginia. But I’d still rather be here than in Philadelphia.
Well fancy that! You nailed us there! A wry, witty article on a place you clearly know the square root of naff all about. How amusing and clever of you. I am sure all your clever friends can’t possibly congratulate you on this more than you already have congratulated yourself.
Don’t worry Ian, it was just written as a gentle ribbing on account of our other correspondent Rita, who writes a ‘Brit in the USA’ column, it’s not meant to start an international incident. Let’s not give the yanks the impression that we can dish it out but can’t take it ourselves
The difference is Worm that as another ‘Brit in the USA’ I find Rita’s
pieces to be funny and insightful. This is just, as we Brits used to say, pants.
He forgot to mention our teeth,what about our teeth???
Your hotel looks good, Ian. Mental note made. Any Americans wishing to visit (
despitebecause of David’s piece) should click on Ian’s name above and check it out.I don’t know why you say “despite.” Everyone should visit England as often as they can.
I agree that Ian’s hotel looks good; indeed, that’s typical English understatement. It actually looks like the finest hotel in the world.
(Also, Ian’s note nicely demonstrates the extent to which the English misunderstand themselves. Both English teeth and English food are now worldclass, every bit as good as one would find in Mississippi, if not Louisiana.)
Why thank you for your complimentary words. Do remember should any of you colonial johnnies make it over here, we are most definately in not-London where we do neither a pint in the pub nor a lager (ghastly Euro invention BTW ) in the local but a scrumpy in the snug.
I am coming over to our former western Colonies in August to see how you chaps are getting on since we granted you independance,so look sharp.Maybe I can check out one of your celebrated Missisisippian Dentists.
Just for the record, Europe is a continent just off the coast of England
Yes I think David would have been pretty disappointed if he hadn’t manage to offend at least somebody’s sense of national pride as much as Rita has offended his…
After this:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039453/How-America-planned-destroy-BRITAIN-1930-bombing-raids-chemical-weapons.html
comes this:
http://thedabbler.co.uk/
I would never have believed the former, but read in conjunction with the latter – very disturbing. Clearly, some of those we regard as friends are out to do us harm.
Has Rita been out-Tulled?
you have omitted to mention The Black-Eyed Peas in your list of American Vergeltungswaffen
The English are in denial about all of this, believing against all evidence that they are so rich that they ought to feel guilty and so sexless that they ought to be dwindling is very good.
And it’s interesting that the Polish plumbers, um, meme has made itself known across the Pond. I like the Poles and am working my way through their numerous near-identical beer brands that our cornershop now stocks. I live in an area of Bristol that may as well be called Little Poland so numerous are they, though I’m not sure how many are plumbers.
We are simply so surprised that, here we are, yet another of our cousins knows abroad, well done David, from a practicing Geordie living in the land of scoffed porridge and therefore a mongrel.