Frank Key recalls a cosy memory of Christmas on the political hard Left…

1983 was, for me, a memorable year for Christmas crackers. I was young, newly-married, and an earnest and idealistic leftie. Being the armchair revolutionary type, I had not actually joined any of the various socialist or communist groupuscules then, as now, available, but I could thump my fist on the pub table while denouncing Thatcher with practised ease. I knew the SWP slogan “Neither Washington nor Moscow but International Socialism”, but, like every SWP member I ever met, I had a soft spot for the Soviet Bloc. It was abundantly clear to me, even while I lapped up American books and films and music, that the United States was indeed the Great Satan, its leaders devoting their every waking hour to evil schemes designed to… well, to be evil. Every word written by Noam Chomsky was gospel truth. Cuba was lovely. And so on.

It was in such a frame of mind that my then wife and I travelled up to Manchester to spend Christmas with my sister-in-law and her husband, equally devout lefties. Thatcher was in her post-Falklands pomp, and the great issue of the day was the siting of American cruise missiles in England’s green and pleasant home counties. Thus it was obviously the right-on thing to do to buy our Christmas crackers from CND. And what a treat they turned out to be.

There we were, sat around the table ready to eat our vegetarian Christmas nut cutlet and piles of sprouts and potatoes, and we clinked our glasses of wine (definitely neither South African nor Chilean) and pulled our crackers. Out popped the paper hats and plastic baubles. But instead of the customary inane and groanworthy jokes, we got bits of paper upon which were written salient and sobering facts about nuclear warfare. “The combined might of the US nuclear arsenal is equivalent to 20 million Hiroshimas”, and similar.

So instead of the cheer brought by terrible puns and infantile humour, we experienced the greater cheer brought by smug righteousness and an infantile world-view. Happy days!


A complete recording of Frank Key’s performance at An Evening Of Lugubrious Music & Lopsided Prose, accompanied by Outa_Spaceman and Pansy Cradledew, is now available to listen to and/or download from ResonanceFM.

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About Author Profile: Frank Key

Frank Key is a London-based writer, blogger and broadcaster best known for his Hooting Yard blog, short-story collections and his long-running radio series Hooting Yard on the Air, which has been broadcast weekly on Resonance FM since April 2004. By Aerostat to Hooting Yard - A Frank Key Reader, an ideal introduction to his fiction, is published for Kindle by Dabbler Editions. Mr Key's Shorter Potted Brief, Brief Lives was published in October 2015 by Constable and is available to buy online and in all good bookshops.

3 thoughts on “Crackers

  1. Gaw
    December 23, 2011 at 07:23

    So what happened?

      December 23, 2011 at 17:24

      I ask myself that question most days, here in the heart of ‘the great satan’.

      Apparently all those copies of Socialist Worker I sold, well OK not very many actually, were a futile gesture.

      At least the beers drunk afterwards weren’t wasted.

    December 23, 2011 at 08:50

    “my then wife and I travelled up to Manchester”, dead give away there Frank, how could any genuine SWP banner flutterer call themselves committed when the travelled up to Manchester. Down to Manchester, now there’s a mini-commie of a different hue.
    Anyone wishing a balanced view of the world of the saintly Noam, buy the DVD, ‘Manufacturing Consent’, worth a laff or two.

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