Crazy Sunday

Many records can be simply bad, but it’s a rare tune indeed that is so toe curlingly awful, both lyrically and musically, that it transcends its humble ingredients to become something rather ‘special’. Having had the privilege of being introduced to some of the world’s most sublime music via this Lazy Sunday slot on The Dabbler, I felt it only fair that I take this chance to redress the balance somewhat with today’s selection of some of the most ‘special’ tunes ever committed to vinyl. I hadn’t noticed a pattern to my collection of musical tripe before, but after compiling this list the one thing that immediately leapt out was that they all heavily feature spoken word type singing, which thankfully seems to have died out sometime in the early 80’s, or whenever it was that William Shatner hung up his microphone.

Opening proceedings, I bring you late 60’s ‘classic’ Macarthur Park, intoned with true bathos by old soak Richard Harris. There are some who think this record to be a touching elegy to lost love, whilst those of us who aren’t insane become increasingly confused by the tale of a man who seems on the verge of suicide over the loss of his favourite cake.

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again

Here’s a record that smashes any happy thoughts you may have had and replaces them with your blackest darkest fears, ensuring you never sleep with the lights off again; a 1980 disco tune featuring a seemingly sozzled Reginald Bosanquet, ITN newsreader, dribbling nonsense like a dirty drunken uncle hijacking the microphone at your wedding…

These days I feel there are all too few tunes that touch upon the non-consensual bodily union that is necrophilia, but back in 1965 it was apparently considered worthy of a cheerful ditty. Number One in Kenny Everett’s ‘Bottom 30’ of the worst records of all time, I want my Baby Back by Jimmy Cross was actually a parody of the Shangri-la’s hit Leader of the Pack and it makes for riveting listening – especially the immortal lines “Over there was my baby.. and over there was my baby.. and WAY over there was my baby”…

Finally, something that is truly mind-blowingly awful, but stick with me. For me, this is the atom bomb of bad records, the absolute nadir. A crazy Christian record from the USA (where else?) The subject matter is abortion, and the singer is a chap called L’il Markie, I won’t say much but to point you towards the final sung section at the 3 minute mark, of such terrifying saccharine weirdness that it could be fairly claimed to be the personification of evil in musical form. Enjoy.

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About Author Profile: Worm

In between dealing with all things technological in the Dabbler engine room, Worm writes the weekly Wikiworm column every Saturday and our monthly Book Club newsletters.

11 thoughts on “Crazy Sunday

  1. johngjobling@googlemail.com'
    malty
    August 7, 2011 at 11:31

    First class review of the bottom of the class worm, so lousy the let’s help you top yourself Swiss clinic has it piped around the whacking rooms. R.Harris an absolute plonker in every way, bum actor, talked utter rubbish, Harry Potter should have turned him into a toad. He was however Jussi Björling when compared with Chas Aznavour, the froggy who would a-wooing go.

    May I add one other item, Anything shrieked by Cilla Black, the absolute bottom of the chanteuse barrel.

  2. finalcurtain@gmail.com'
    mahlerman
    August 7, 2011 at 12:54

    Our unofficial family motto is apposite here ‘Seldom in doubt, often wrong’. I was in no doubt when I bought A Tramp Shining back then, and to my shame I found myself actually enjoying the dreck that was Macarthur Park – and while I’m sitting here in the confessional, I may as well get another horror off my chest, from around the same time – Emerlist Davjack by The Nice. I was impressed by Keith Emerson manhandling his organ (no, the electric one) to the ground, and using daggers to sustain notes – at the old Marquee Club. Off immediately to the record shop. Sad, but true.
    Now, a darkened room for me.

  3. tobyash@hotmail.com'
    Toby
    August 7, 2011 at 13:21

    A completely brilliant collection of awfulness worm! All awful in their own, very special way.

  4. jameshamilton1968@googlemail.com'
    James Hamilton
    August 7, 2011 at 15:07

    Literally breathtaking collection, Worm: don’t know if I’m choking from laughter or nausea, especially from that last one…

    You always knew there’d been some rubbish released over the years, but never rubbish so bad that it spills over into a kind of perverse grandeur. Almost makes you want to have a go yourself.

    • Gaw
      August 7, 2011 at 17:08

      ‘Almost makes you want to have a go yourself’? How about a shot at a Dabbler Christmas number one, James? Sort of Band Aid penned by Malty.

    • Worm
      August 7, 2011 at 18:51

      thing is, truly grand guignol records are organic things that I’m not sure you can set out to make on purpose – all the best ones are so great because the people who made them didn’t have the self-awareness to think ‘hmm, hang on, this might be financially ruinous and a bit mental’

  5. Brit
    August 7, 2011 at 17:57

    The Jimmy Cross one is superb – obviously meant to be funny. But I couldn’t finish the last one. O, as they say, MG.

  6. Worm
    August 7, 2011 at 18:48

    I must say that I am mystified as to how the Reginald Bosanquet record came about – which person dreamt that up, and how/why did RB agree to do it? Bonkers

    • johngjobling@googlemail.com'
      malty
      August 7, 2011 at 19:48

      He was, as they say, permanently pissed

  7. info@shopcurious.com'
    August 7, 2011 at 19:40

    That Richard Harris number happens to be one of my mother’s favourites. Thankfully, I don’t share her taste in music – thought I may be compelled to play this at her funeral in remembrance to the times we made fairy cakes together – and endured the curiously camp Camelot film so many times – ugh!

    You’ve also burst my bubble on grandmother’s heartthrob Reggie too. Worm, you have a lot to answer for…

    And, finally, if that were not enough… the L’il Markie Song, whilst musically repulsive has a point. Imagine if you’d been abandoned or adopted – you wouldn’t be here if your mother had had an abortion. Also, this sort of thing is probably enough to put kids off having children altogether – so shouldn’t it be re-released to prevent underage sex/solve world population problems?

  8. alison.maloney@bodleian.ox.ac.uk'
    Alison M.
    August 8, 2011 at 12:07

    Thank goodness! What joy to know that I am not alone in thinking Mr. Harris’s dire dirge to be one of the most awful performances ever committed to vinyl.

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