Long ago, in the last century, I was commissioned by Thumping & Learned Tomes, erstwhile publishers of thumping, learned tomes, to write a thumping, learned tome about Sir Isaac Newton. Specifically, I was to focus on Newton’s politics. Even more specifically, I was to concentrate on his time as a Member of Parliament.
I set to work with the gusto of youth, finding out, for example, who this Newton person was by consulting an encyclopaedia in my local library. I also bought a notepad and many pencils, and I sharpened the points of all the pencils with a so-called “pencil sharpener”.
Alas! All this came to nought when, at the turn of the century, Thumping & Learned Tomes was bought up by the conglomerate Invidious Pap Inc. I was informed that my forthcoming tome was no longer wanted, for the simple reason that I had never appeared on television.
A lesser man might have thrown in the towel, and thrown away his sharpened pencils and his notepad, but not I! I continued to work on the project, narrowing my focus even more, to a piercing analysis of Newton’s parliamentary speeches, and what they told us about him, as a man, as a politician, and as a scientist.
I am pleased to say that the resulting tome is at last finished. I am now seeking a publisher, but in the meantime I have persuaded The Dabbler to present an exclusive preview of the complete text, viz:
In 1689, Sir Isaac Newton was elected Member of Parliament for Cambridge University. He held the post for just one year, during which time he spoke only once – asking someone to close the windows, as he could feel a cold draught.
Do not bother to seek another publisher. A little research will reveal that Pap Inc have in turn been consumed into Geistbetäubendenormeunternehmen GmbH which actually produces fighter planes and washing machines and are not actually aware that they publish books – whatever they may be. And they certainly won’t offer you a decent four-bottle lunch either. Trust me, I’m a lexicographer.
So Mills and Boon turned you down already Frank, I suggest ditto, but a novella with circlip Richards as the subject, the theme ‘me, a pooftah, leave off’.
Ah the so-called ‘pencil sharpener’ – had a few run-ins with those myself.
Frank – will an iVersion of this tome be available for download to the iFry?
You should be able to find a publisher in the states. We eat up all that English stuff. I recommend English, Stuff & Sons, New York, Palo Alto and Cambridge.
And likely Australian stuff too. Many here can’t tell one accent from the other, particularly if your ‘English’ accent isn’t identical to that of Hugh Grant.
Naturally it hurts to be asked if I’m Australian, If feeling especially cantankerous I tend to reply by asking if they are Canadian which they find equally, if not more, wounding.
It is a little odd that people from an island off the coast of China all sound like they’re from north London.
Also, once you’ve been here a while, you’ll start to cringe at the “Americans” who pop up on BBC shows. The only Brit I’ve run across who does a really convincing American accent is Amy Winehouse, who’s singing voice sounds exactly like she’s from New Jersey.
I believe there’s already an ebook format available for these short publications: the email.
Brit : I’m afraid not. There is simply no free space available on any model of the iFry, which is completely clogged up with teeming witterings on every subject under the sun.
iFry with my little eye something beginning with… oh just everything darling!