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There’s no such thing as an aphrodisiac food. There’s nothing you can grill, fry or roast that will have your dining companion casting aside their cutlery and crawling across the table towards you, growling like a lusty tiger on Viagra. Aphrodisiac foods do not work, apart, of course, from when they do.

The great consolation for any would-be seducer who approaches the battlefields of love armed only with a blender, a garlic crusher and a wok is that people will believe anything. Tell someone that a certain food is an aphrodisiac enough times and they will start to believe you. And once you’ve convinced their mind, the body is sure to follow.

The most obvious aphrodisiac to wheel out of your kitchen on St Valentine’s Day are oysters. Since Aphrodite emerged from an oyster shell on the shores of Cyprus, these bivalves have been synonymous with seduction. The Romans wouldn’t orgy without them and Casanova feasted on 50 a day. A platter of plump, slippery-fleshed oysters wallowing in their own briny juices will tell your date exactly where the evening is heading – and it isn’t onto the sofa to watch Chatty Man.

But oysters are not the only shellfish with reputed seductive powers. A vague resemblance to genitalia is all it takes and clams are supposed to resemble testicles while ‘mussel’ was used as slang for vulva for centuries. Consequently, both are credited with inspiring outbreaks of lust and a bowl full of shellfish that you eat with your fingers, spooning up the salty, creamy juices, can inspire a certain amount of intimacy between diners.

Chocolate’s seductive powers are also legendary. The Aztecs believed it to be an aphrodisiac and, much like Casanova and his 50-a-day oyster habit, the Emperor Montezuma was said to have drunk chocolate 50 times a day to enhance his sexual prowess. So heady were the consequences of a cup of cocoa that in the 17th century an Austrian professor attempted to prevent monks from drinking chocolate because it “inflamed passions”. Study after study since then has established chocolate as the ne plus ultra of edible aphrodisiacs.

Yet, as Ogden Nash observed: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” Adding a splash of booze to your shellfish and your chocolate can only help your cause on the most romantic night of the year.

A Valentine’s Day Meal for Two

No matter how aphrodisiac your meal is, if it’s too heavy the chances of postprandial passion will slump as your digestive system kicks into gear and sucks the blood from your every extremity. A bowl of mussels is easy to digest and plucking the fat little molluscs from their shells, pinching them out with an empty shell, dripping with cream and cider-soaked juices, can start ideas forming if you handle it right.

You can prepare the mussels a few hours ahead and then keep them in a colander in the fridge wrapped in a damp tea towel or newspaper. Check for any more mussels that have given up the ghost before you start cooking and then impress your date with your ability to whip up a feast in 15 minutes.

Mussels with bacon and cider
Serves 2

2 kg mussels
A large knob of butter
200g unsmoked bacon lardons
4 shallots, peeled and finely sliced
2 tbsp fresh thyme leaves
250ml dry cider, such as Aspall
4 tbsp double cream

1. Prepare the mussels by washing them under cold running water, giving them a scrub, pulling off the furry beards and knocking off any barnacles with a table knife. Check to see if they are alive by tapping any mussels that are open. If they shut, keep them, if they don’t, discard them.

2. Heat the butter in a large pan until melted and add the lardons. Fry, stirring, until golden and crisp. Add the shallots and thyme leaves and season with black pepper. Continue frying, stirring frequently, for 2–3 minutes or until the shallots have started to soften. Throw in the mussels and pour in the cider. Cover and cook the mussels, shaking the pan occasionally, for 5–8 minutes or until the mussels have opened.

3. Lift the mussels out of the pan with a slotted spoon, discarding any that haven’t opened. Bring the juices to the boil and stir in the cream. Taste and season. Pour the sauce over the mussels and serve with hunks of crusty bread for dipping.

Chocolate and brandy mousse
Serves 2

This is a very rich chocolate pudding. If you’re feeling confident, you might want to bring out one glass to share and save the other serving for, ahem, later.

50g 70% cocoa solids chocolate, broken into squares
1 tbsp strong coffee
1 tbsp good quality brandy
A good pinch of coarse sea salt
20g caster sugar
100ml double cream
½ tsp vanilla extract

1. Place the chocolate, coffee and brandy in a heatproof bowl over a pan of simmering water (don’t let the bowl touch the water) and leave to melt. Once the chocolate has melted, remove from the heat and stir in the sugar and salt. Set aside.

2. In a separate bowl, whip the cream and vanilla until slightly stiff, then fold into the chocolate. Spoon into 2 glasses and chill for at least 1 hour or overnight.

Almond biscuits
Makes 14-16

50g butter, softened
50g caster sugar
1 small egg white, beaten
50g plain flour
25g flaked almonds

1. Beat the butter until creamy then beat in the sugar until fluffy and combined. Slowly beat in the egg white until smooth. Sift in the flour. Scrunch the almonds in your fist and add the to the mixture. Stir to combine then chill for 30 minutes.

2. Preheat the oven to gas mark 2/150°C/fan oven 130°C. Drop teaspoonfuls of the biscuit batter onto baking trays well spaced apart and bake for 10–12 minutes or until each biscuit has a golden halo.

3. Remove from the oven and lift off the tray with a palette knife. Transfer to a wire rack to cool. You can store them in an airtight tin for 2–3 days.

Serve the chocolate mousse with the almond biscuits for scooping.

You can read more of Jassy’s recipes and foodie-related blogging at the wonderful Gin and Crumpets.